Is It Bad Enough to Leave? How I Knew It Was Time to Divorce

Podcast

Nov 10

Is it bad enough to leave? I asked myself that question in bed at night, in the driveway with the engine off, in the shower long after I was done. For years.

If you are asking it quietly right now, this one is for you. In this solo episode of Livd Divorce Stories, I share how I knew it was time to divorce, what it cost me, and why staying vs leaving was never a choice between hard and easy.

There is no movie moment, so name the fear instead

There was no single moment that made the answer obvious. What finally moved me was naming my fears out loud: losing custody, paying child support, leaving the house, missing my kids. Then I asked myself one question. If all of that happened, would I be okay?

You are stuck because you don't want to name the thing. Naming it is how you get unstuck, whichever way you go.

Women pay alimony too, and nobody talks about it

In my case, the alimony was half the length of the marriage. Fourteen years married meant seven years of payments. I was in shock. That shock is part of why Livd exists: my first idea was a fund to help other women in the same position.

Then a good friend said, "Girl, just pay him. You'll always make more." It was the light bulb I needed. My freedom was priceless, and I bought it back.

Hard is not the same as harmful

Hard is two people in a storm, both holding the umbrella. Harmful is when you're in the storm alone and still being blamed for the rain. Harmful doesn't always look loud. Sometimes it is you disappearing little by little.

If you are not safe, this is not a how hard is hard question. It is a get safe question. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is there 24 hours a day at 1 800 799 7233, or text START to 88788. For how one woman exited safely, listen to Rhona Vega Part 2.

Four honest questions to ask yourself before you decide:

Am I working on it, or working around it?
Do I recognize the woman in the mirror?
Is the hard getting smaller, or just quieter?
Am I truly busy, or am I staying busy so I don't have to face it?

Each answer is information. What you do with it is yours. If you decide to leave, make a plan: the free Divorce Starter Checklist pops up when you land on livd.co.

"Choosing to stay or choosing to go is hard. You pick your hard." -Liv Lewis, #LivdTruth

In this episode:

Timestamps:

00:00 Is it bad enough to leave?
03:08 Naming the fear that kept me frozen
05:42 The cost of my freedom
06:55 "Girl, just pay him. You'll always make more."
09:31 Navigating the unknown
13:30 Hard vs. harmful
16:21 The clarity break and the decision
17:37 Four honest questions to ask yourself
20:40 Choosing your hard

Common questions this episode answers:

How do I know if it's bad enough to leave my marriage?‍ ‍

There is rarely one clear sign. Name what you fear most about leaving, then ask whether you could live with that outcome. If the hard is only getting quieter, not smaller, that is information.

Do women pay alimony?

Yes. Spousal support is based on income and circumstances, not gender, so the higher earning spouse may pay. In Liv's case, it ran half the length of the marriage, according the New Jersey state law. (Rules vary by state.)

What is the difference between a hard marriage and a harmful one?

In a hard marriage, both people are carrying the weight. In a harmful one, you carry it alone and are blamed for it. If you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

How do I prepare to leave a marriage?

Take your time and make a plan. Livd's free Divorce Starter Checklist walks through what to think about, with no timetable. Bring trusted people along.

Should I stay or leave my marriage?

Only you can decide. Staying takes boldness and work. Leaving takes a plan and support. Either way, you pick the hard you can live with.

Livd shares stories, not legal, financial or mental health advice. Laws vary by state. Please talk with a licensed professional about your situation.

Listen

Watch the full episode on YouTube above and subscribe. Also on Apple Podcasts and Spotify Thursday, Nov 12. If this made you think of someone, send it to her.