The House Was in My Name and I Still Lost It: What Nobody Tells Black Women About Life After Divorce

Podcast
Written By Liv Lewis

She qualified for the house on her own. Her name, her income, her mortgage. She made every payment while he sold real estate full time and covered the utilities.

A judge still told her to sell it and split the money fifty fifty.

This episode of Livd Divorce Stories is about the gap between what women assume divorce will take from them and what it actually takes. Tonya Poindexter spent two decades in federal service, chairs a chamber of commerce, and is the person everybody in her life leans on. She is also, by her own admission, telling this story out loud for the first time.

The closing table

Before any of it, there was a moment. Tonya and her husband were closing on the house and he asked to be added to the deed. The title company looked up and asked her twice if she was sure.

She paused. Her gut said no. She said yes anyway, to avoid an argument she did not feel like having.

She calls it the biggest mistake of her life. Host Liv Lewis names it differently on the episode. She betrayed herself to keep the peace.

Your name on the mortgage is not the same as the house being yours

This is the part that catches women off guard, and it is the practical heart of the episode. A mortgage is the loan. A deed is the ownership. They are two different documents, and in most states what happens to a home in a divorce is governed by property law, not by who wrote the checks.

When the marriage ended, he asked to be bought out of a house he had never made a payment on. The disagreement went back in front of a judge. The order was to sell and split it down the middle.

Two women, two states, the same landing place

Liv gets real about her own divorce on this one. The spousal support she pays. The friend who told her girl, pay him, you will always make more, and said it like it was the most normal thing in the world. The ex who is still on her mortgage seven years later because a quitclaim deed was not enough for the lender.

Different marriages. Different states. Same lesson arriving too late.

The aftermath nobody prepares you for

Then the conversation turns, and this is where the episode stops being about paperwork.

Tonya did not cry when it was over. She did not celebrate. People told her Stella got her groove back and to get out there, and she felt none of it. Just numb.

She names something on this episode that women rarely hear said plainly. You are not who you were before the marriage. You are not who you were inside it. You are not even who you were during the divorce. You are building a whole new woman from scratch, and nobody hands you a timeline. Six months. Six years. The rest of your life.

Common questions this episode answers

  1. If the mortgage is in my name, is the house mine in a divorce?

    • Not necessarily. In many states a home acquired during the marriage is treated as marital property regardless of whose name is on the loan, and whose name is on the deed matters too. Tonya qualified alone, paid alone, and still had to split the proceeds.

  2. What is the difference between the deed and the mortgage?

    • The mortgage is the debt. The deed is the ownership. You can be solely responsible for the loan while sharing ownership with someone who contributes nothing, which is exactly what happened here.

  3. Can my spouse get part of the house if he never made a payment?

    • It is possible, and it happens. Payment history is one factor. State property law, the deed, and the length of the marriage all matter more than most people expect.

  4. Do women ever pay spousal support?

    • Yes. When a wife is the higher earner, she is often the one paying. Liv shares her own experience with this on the episode.

  5. How long does the aftermath of a divorce last?

    • There is no standard timeline. Tonya describes it as six months for some women, six years for others, and in some cases the rest of your life.

This episode is a conversation, not legal or financial advice. Property and support laws vary by state. Talk to a family law attorney licensed where you live before signing anything.

About the guest

Tonya Poindexter is the author of The Aftermath: What Nobody Tells Black Women About Life After Divorce, available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Walmart, with signed copies at writetouchpublishing.com. She spent two decades in federal service before founding her own communications firm, chairs the Northern Virginia Black Chamber of Commerce, and is a mother of three and a grandmother of five.

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Connect with Tonya Poindexter

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For additional support:

Liv Lewis
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